Self Esteem

The person in the photo is a version of me that is brave, adventurous, playful AND willing to have my photograph taken and publish it on social media.

A very different version of me exists and can sometimes dominate my existence; that version is fearful, self-limiting and hides away.

That version of me is highly self-critical and sometimes self- sabbotaging.

I'm not unusual though am I....

We're all on a journey to becoming comfortable in our own skin, or in the world around us. That journey ebbs and flows, through peaks and troughs. And the journey is the whole point and what you discover along the way.

I had a bad day yesterday. For two weeks of every month I struggle with being extremely, unhelpfully, life-alteringly sensitive: it's called PMDD. I'm not going to write about it now, but I will one day. I have taken steps to get this "bad boy" under control in recent years, with great success: some medical, some diet and lifestyle and most effective of all: my yoga practice. So I am sometimes completely blindsided when I have one or two of these bad days, they are not so frequent anymore.

And isn't it typical, I couldn't hide away on this particular bad day as I had booked to attend a working women's networking event.

Driving over to the venue (late), having made both boys late for school, or was it the other way round? Probably. I realised I wasn't prepared for this session. The introductory monologue in my head was playing this kind of tune: "Hello, I'm Katy, I'm not really working or a business woman, I might not even be a woman, more of a hag really and I'm here to make myself feel even more inadequate by imagining that you are all very successful and that I am an abject failure."

The session was "lovely". As always, the other attendees were open, friendly and there to get a boost and give a boost of encouragement back to our group of independent traders, as it were.

The conversation was often focused on how to get more clients and social media output. My inner breaks and teeth were grinding: sensitive topic, this is my vulnerable spot.....

I went away feeling like I'd poured out my insecurities for no reason, maybe to make other people feel better. Yes, I did get a few salient suggestions but it was nothing I hadn't heard before and I beat myself up for being gullible. MY mindset was off, not the session.

There is nothing good that can ever be achieved without the right mindset, I know, I know. And to cultivate the right mindset begins with positive self-talk and positive habits ("easier said than done" my monkey chides). Self-knowledge and self-awareness are critical to moving on with your life. This is not a new thing!!

If I get into these awful moods I do generally know what my triggers are and I've got to avoid them. Yesterday, however, I didn't; I ran into them headlong!!

Self-esteem is something to nurture and protect. This is something I have not understood until my 40's. I have always mistaken my overt social confidence as self-esteem. No. Self-esteem comes to me in solitude, or with a handful of people I am completely comfortable with, or in doing something where I can lose myself to my purpose.

Any "practice" builds self-esteem. The journey to mastery requires discipline, repetition and self-respect in order to keep showing up. Yoga exercises the body and it exorcises the mind! It makes you feel better and be better. It ticks every damn box as a good way to spend your time. This is what I wished I'd said yesterday when asked: "so what do you do in your classes that would make someone sign up?" I couldn't find the words.

Conclusions from yesterday: I need to find a better way of explaining what I offer in order to keep doing what I do. That'a a tough take-home but it's a truth I can accept. That was useful, I'm grateful for this insight.

So I'm going to work at that.

This morning, as if by magic, joy had returned to my soul, my new normal thanks to yoga and the aging process - LOL! I reflected on how I could get so pulled down yesterday and I have done something I've been thinking about for a long time, something for me: I deleted my social media accounts from my phone. Ta Da!!!

That is the best self-love Valentine's gift I could have mustered and we all know why. Let's see how I get on using just my lap-top (obvioiusly not abandoning the socials altogether, saving complete off-grid lifestyle for retirement!).....

So keeping it real from now on: catch me live via zoom each Friday (Monday's class is in review..) at 11 am or I can send you the recording. Tomorrow we are focussing on a heart-centred practice; this is a class that everyone loves and is guaranteed to get you all glowing.

www.katymartinsyoga.com/book-online

Also, you can join me at OM IS WHERE THE HEART IS, Taylor Hill Mills this Saturday morning in the flesh and leggings:

http://bit.ly/OMtimetable

With much love and be kind to yourself,

Katy X